1:00 AM: This blog is pointless now. Not sure I should keep writing.. it reminds me too much of why I started it.. because of you.
1:03 AM: I saw all of this coming.. I knew it would be too good to be true.. that I found somebody willing to wait and fight for me.. you said you planned on waiting at least a year to date me.. now all I wish is to go back in time and just be your friend like I had planned.. because I not only lost a boyfriend.. but also a friend.
1:05 AM: I think I know what happened but I can only assume.. either you got tired of me because I’m clingy, you just stopped loving me because there were things you didn’t like about me, or because you felt so bad about Julie that you may just get back together with her.. or perhaps you met somebody else. All I know is the pain is the same.. though I do wish you would tell me the truth.. I don’t know why you bothered leading me on and telling me “yes means yes” when I asked you a couple of days ago if you still loved me.. why make me feel reassured to shoot me down? I just don’t get you.
3:06 AM: Are you really bailing on me? I got the day off and tickets to ride Big Thunder Mountain JUST for us tomorrow.. how am I supposed to contact you and let you know if you don’t let me? This is so unfair.. if you don’t go then I got the tickets and day off for nothing. :(
11:42 PM: So I guess this is goodbye..
11:45 PM: I will always remember the very first time we met, the very first time my lips touched your lips, the very first time you wrapped your arms around me and rested your head on my shoulder. Your smile your way of looking at me will always be fresh in my memories. There are so many lovely memories.. I still have some hope deep in my heart that someday my undying love will bring you back in my arms. At the same time I want you to come to a realization where my undying love for you will make you come to me. Sooner or later.. It doesn’t matter.. If you want to try again I’ll be here.. hoping, dreaming you’ll be smiling along side me on another one of our adventures. I will never have any regrets in life of loving you… of holding you in my arms of dreaming to be with you forever. I love you.. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one.
3:30 PM: I give up.. it’s your turn to try and chase me. I can’t do it anymore. It’s all been for nothing.. you don’t even reply to me anymore.
3:46 PM: Why did I have to fall in love again.. it’s like I set myself up for heartache.. Why can’t two people that love each other just simply be together..
3:47 PM: All I want is to be happy.. I feel like giving up. I have nothing but hopes and dreams..
3:50 PM: Why is it.. that when I’m in a world full of happy people do I feel so.. unhappy and alone… Just keep pretending to smile.
3:55 PM: I wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides my cheeks and shades my eyes.. with a torn and bleeding heart I smile.
4:00 PM: Just one kind msg.. is all I need.. I need more support, I need to be reassured you still think of me..
12:05 AM: I literally feel sick. Not only do I miss you and want to be with you, but you haven’t tried speaking to me, I find out you are still liking and commenting on Julie’s things, you don’t respond to me, you have me blocked, you have her added on everything still, I got told by a guest that I was the cheapest bellhop and it’s not like I can blow up at her, I get told off by a lead about how I shouldn’t stick my hands in even though I’ve done that since I worked there and it gets me compliments… seriously I’m doing nothing but crying my eyes out trying to type this only to think you probably don’t miss me enough or care to read my things anymore.. I haven’t felt this low since Brandon left me.. All I want is love and comfort.. but I know I won’t be getting it.. I’m helpless.
12:23 AM: Hey, so uhm I know that we haven’t talked which kind of sucks actually. But you know what that’s not even my fault so I shouldn’t blame myself for that. I tried to call you, and I text you all the time, but you would never reply and all though you kept ignoring me and I kept making a fool of myself.. I don’t ever really stop thinking about you. I think about you a lot like about how you’re doing, how you’ve been feeling lately. I miss you. I look over our skype conversations every now and then when I’m bored because idk I miss that. I miss our phone/skype calls that would last until 2am, sharing youtube videos with each other.. I miss being happy.. and I was with you. Nobody compares to you..
12:30 AM: Darling I can’t sleep if we don’t talk.. And I cry when I feel like I am loosing you.. Maybe I’m a fool but this feels so right..Can we just start living our lives? Together?
2:00 PM: I’m awake. I be looking at my tumblr posts from the past two days and all I can think is how pitiful I look. I give up being sad and letting what’s going on between us stop me from living my life. I’m going to do me for a change and if you want to be a part of it, you know where to reach me.
3:00 PM: Reaching out to fellow fans on instagram. Looks like I’m getting a fan base… ooooh. So popular.
5:05 PM: Watching meekakitty on Youtube. I’m preparing to create the most magical vlog ever tonight at my gmas place. Looking for inspiration so I’ll be going out in the next few mins with Jaime for some coffee. :3
9:50 PM: Too wiped out.. On the way back to our car freaking Logan, Jaimie’s son, ran out pretty much in front of a car. Kid doesn’t listen and ripped away from her hand and ran for it to her car. The truck saw the kid run but he was like already to the car and the guy was already stopped to let the kid cross. (I tend to poke race into it to get a rise outta them, I have so many mexican friends as you know so racist warning on the rest of the story.) We ran to the other side and the mexican truck driver looked at his other mexican friend and just HAD to say something to us. All I heard was “watch your damn fucking kid stupid bitches” in the worse sounding english accent ever. SO being the “bitch I am” to defend my friend and I, I replied, “Watch your filthy mouth in front of the kid bean dip. Stupid mexican.” The guy kept yelling out nasty words so once Logan was in the car I got to use my big girl words and repeat what they said back in the most mexican racial slurs I could. He was just across from us at Mc D’s drive through and I heard him order a cheese burgar so I decided since he started it I was still going to end him and said, “Yeah that’s right fat fuck. Eat that cheeese bugggar big boi.” Laughed as he got distracted from ordering to still yell as us some more. And we drove off. Some old ladies stopped by our car to ask if we were okay and that he was so rude to call us out and whatnot and be as nasty as he was. As we drove away I noticed they sped though the drive through to catch up to our car on the freeway to my house. They were actually being stupid enough to follow a cops daughter. Idiots. SOOOOO, I wiped out my phone pretending to record them as they drove to our side yelling stuff with their window rolled down. And they completely freaked and drove off but I already had the cops on the phone to report them. Stupid assholes aren’t going to make ME afraid of my own neighborhood. I seriously feel like becoming a cop again, I’m so pumped with energy. I want to put away disgusting foul people like that in jail so bad.
3:27 AM: Frozen’s lyrics speak to me like no other. Conceal, don’t feel don’t let them show.. acting like everything is fine, faking a smile… exactly how I been ever since we stopped talking so frequently. All I want is to get love in return.. I love you so much.. what more can I say that will make you miss me, msg me, anything.. I’ll do it..
4:52 PM: I wish you actually took my advice I gave you in your car about your situation and how you don’t have to shut me out to recover.. I only hope you won’t stop liking me.
6:12 PM: If you truly wanted to get over what you did. I’m pretty damn sure commenting on Julie’s pictures and liking them on instagram isn’t helping. Because if you were trying you wouldn’t have me blocked or even be SPEAKING to her.. If you want me you know where to find me.. If you love me you wouldn’t be ignoring me and talking to the girl you LEFT..Fuck everything. I’m going to work.There are guys even now that want me yet I choose YOU. I only give you the time of day. Yet you are giving more to her than me right now… why can’t you treat me like that special somebody like you think I am..
11:32 PM: I bet you don’t even read this anymore do you.. You couldn’t ask me how I’m doing or wish me a good day at work?.. ignoring me and doing what you are doing by keeping your ex on EVERYTHING is so messed up to me.. If you hate me or stopped liking me just tell me, don’t torture me.. but if you like me, PLEASE.. make me feel like you do.. and show me.. tell me more often.. this all hurts so much.
11:36 PM: If space is what you need.. why not stay away from her, your friends everything.. why can’t I be involved in your healing by having fun and going out with me on adventures? What, am I that horrible to be around?.. Do I NOT help? You always seem to enjoy my company yet now it seems your doing everything to stay away from me..
11:42 PM: All I can do is cry my heart out. This feels like a real break up.. like your not coming back.. I hope it’s not.. please talk to me.. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.. I feel sick constantly.. I just want you to love me.. to forget her and your friends and just give me attention for a change.. make me feel special.. like I mean something to you..
1:56 PM: I just keep wondering.. why is there suddenly so much silence from you.
2:00 PM: I feel so lonely.. even when I’m around people. I miss you.
4:57 PM: Another day of silence and no replies.. I’ll be heading to work soon and all I feel is this sad sickness. If you would only msg me.. I have to wonder if you still miss me as much as I miss you. This silence is so damn painful.. I just want “us” back..
11:30 PM: I screaming on the inside.. my heart aches.. why won’t you talk to me..
12:18 AM: It’s 12:18 in the morning and I wish I could be pressed against your chest, listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain.
12:20 AM: Like rain, I fell for you.
12:45 AM: Some things I like: The smell outside after the rain, baggy sweaters, books you can’t put down, making people smile, feeling loved, saying hello to strangers, songs that relate to you, tea parties, sleep overs, saying what you feel, learning a new song on the piano, and watching my cats wrestle.
1:05 AM: I still remember the time I realized I started to liking you.. and the time I realized I was falling for you. I miss you. I hope you miss me too.. the silence seems to ring so loudly with thoughts..
1:32 AM : I miss you so much.. but I still want you to text me first.
1:37 AM: I scrolled back in time and found this: “From the first time we hung out I knew I wanted two things. I wanted to set you free from these memories and give you something you hadn’t had. And to learn to love you. I’m not going to be some crazy guy and drop the ily on you right now. But I want to get there. If you let me. I want to buy you $70 dinners, get drunk in cheap movies, laugh til we can’t breath and kiss you to the postal service every day. Autumn I know it’s scary. But I can pretty confidently say what we have is special. Most people will search endlessly for this. I want to take it slow as we have been, keep focusing on getting to know each other l, and never stop adventuring. You don’t have to make a decision. The decision will make itself.” And it did babe.. I choose you. Let’s keep adventuring and getting to know one another. I too want to set you free.. I want to give you love you never had. If you let me too.
1:57 AM: I can’t help but re-read your old msgs and use your advice you gave me for this situation we are in.. I also found the song “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins, you sent me back in the day that you said reminded you of me.. and now that I listen to it again it brings back the memories of that night I was crying and you picked me up and talked to me late into the night.. Who knew I’d miss how frequent we use to talk until you stopped replying or msging me.. “If you ever need me please call me,” you said.. I would but I know you won’t answer. Tears are running down my face, and all I want you to do hug me, wipe away my tears like you did when I first cried to you.. to tell me you love me and everything is gonna be alright.
2:00 PM: If Frodo can get the ring to Mordor, I can get out of bed.
2:00 AM: Something about waking up in the dark with the sound of rain that just make any troubles at all melt away and make you calm.
2:26 PM: The moment you realize it’s going to be really cold and you don’t have jacket.. I returned the one I need today to costuming a few months back.. dammit. I’m working till 9:45 PM at World Of Color.. it’s going to be so cold.. the water from the show is only gonna make it worse.
3:22 PM: Parents always want to be early yet once again my dad takes his time.. I’m just on time again.. not early.. looks like I might be a little late thanks to his little lag fest.
3:26 PM: Can’t wait to get to work.. I just want to get away from their stress. Looking forward to at least 1 nice txt or call from you to brighten up the rest of my shift. Thou I prefer you txt because I might miss your call.
7:00 PM: I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me and say, ‘Because of you I didn’t give up.
10:28 PM: It would be good to hear your voice.. I hope your doing fine. And if you ever wondered, I’m lonely here tonight. I’m lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by and if I could have just one wish I’d have you by my side. I miss you.. I need you. I love you more than I did before and if today I don’t see your face, nothing’s changed no one can take your place, it gets harder every day
When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can’t find my way home any more
That’s when I, I
I look at you
When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I’m not alone
Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there’s no light
To break up the dark
That’s when I, I
I look at you
10:46 PM: The nights are the hardest.
12:00 AM: I truly need this tonight. To forget reality.. To laugh, to dance and to drink the night away. This stuff tastes pretty darn awful but I guess nobody drinks it for the taste.. I just want to lose myself in the intoxication, sing along to Tangled, inhale sweet smoke, listen to blues and dance until my sides hurt. I just want the pain to go away even if it’s only for a short while.
2:00 AM: Still I find myself thinking about you. I want to call you, to message you but I know I’m wasting my time.. but I don’t mind. If only I could find my phone.
5:00 AM: My mom was angry but I was so tired… I shrugged it off and gave up the fight. I just wanted to sleep now.. hopefully my dreams let me have you tonight. It would be such a beautiful dream.
12:00 PM: Woke with a numbing headache. I checked my phone only to sigh and tell myself that i need to stop. I seem to like impounding painful things into my brain until it sinks in.. that this is my reality and there’s nothing I can do but leave it be.
3:00 PM: Just take a deep breath, walk out that door and smile. You can do this..
5:00 PM: Wish I didn’t party so hard so I was able to wake up earlier.. this meet and greet line is ridiculous
7:00 PM: Finally met Traci, I asked her why I never see her around. Turns out she avoids Tower of Terror like the plague. She’s terrified! Go figure.. such a girly girl. Bleck.
7:15 PM: Talked to Charis and Jacob for a bit. Turns out they still recognized me, they just keep forgetting my real name. Hopefully they remember it this time around and not just my username.
7:18 PM: My heart dropped, and butterflies developed in my stomach. You txted me and wanted to see how I was doing.. I’m scared and unsure what to say.. maybe if I don’t say anything you’ll miss me more.. I’ll wait.. see what you say.
7:20 PM: You want to talk on Skype.. I’m honestly terrified about what you have to say.. maybe you’ll tell me you just want to be friends and you like somebody else.. But I know I might just be over reacting.. There’s just no way you like anybody else.. Just gotta stay strong and hope for the best..
11:00 AM: I’m happy to say I was wrong about liking anybody else. And that you do still love me. From now on I’ll just give you more space and time to heal, and I’ll focus on things I need to get done. I just need to distract myself and to better myself, for us.
10:40 AM: I made this blog in an attempt to help you, to make us stronger, to show you my love in written form. Now I don’t even know if you will even be reading this post. You txted me that, “this can no longer continue, that you don’t want to lead me on..” What does that mean? Did you not love me or like me that whole time and use me? I don’t understand how to take it.. and when you said “I need to move on, I’m sorry.” Did you find another girl? My heart is tight, I can barley breath. All I can do is wait for your call, or a text that isn’t coming.. Why are you hurting me if you love me so much? If I need to wait I promise I will, but telling me something like that just crushes me.. You said we were doing better, that we should hang out more often and I was right and everything.. then you pull a move like this? It makes me feel there’s something more to the story than there is.. Like you met somebody, that you still love Julie.. I wish you would just tell me and I promise if you want me to leave you alone, I will.. because I love you..
Its just me and the darkness now
The silence that ripples through my bones, and shatters the walls,
Its the darkness now.
But your memory is seeping through,
And I’m drowning,
I’m reaching out for you,
And its just the darkness now,
And I’m screaming your name
Your eyes look at mine,
And for a quick moment I believe you can save me,
Until my lungs gasp,
And its the darkness now,
Just me, and the darkness now.
11:02 AM: Take a deep breath. You left a world behind on a tinge of hope. You were willing to wait a long time, and you thought you would lose. But you rolled the dice. I know we have something, and now I’m in your shoes. Like you said, have faith. I will. We have undeniable chemistry, it’s just not our time right now.
11:38 AM: When all that I can see are broken memories, you are the light that’s in the dark. You are the hope you are the hope I needed, God. You are.
11:40 PM: Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘hey I don’t think this is going to be working out’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
12:00 PM: Being strong is to love someone in silent, to radiate happiness when we’re unhappy, to show joy when we do not feel it, to smile when you want to cry and to have faith when sometimes we no longer believe.
12:06 PM: I wear the mask that grins and lies that hides my teeth and shades my eyes… With a torn and bleeding hearts I smile.
3:47 PM: I don’t understand how you can look at me the way you do, touch me romantically like you do, and whisper sweet nothings to me.. only to leave me stranded here with heartache.. Were you just lying to me? Because how dare you say you love me and I’m yours only to say you were leading me on a day later. If you didn’t feel anything for me, you shouldn’t have said anything..